You make me happy whether you know it or not

Pandabear and I had a serious chat last night that turned into two hours of unrelated conversation, snuggling, and his dinner going quite cold. He has been after my blog for months and, in spite of coming painfully close to finding it, has yet to find it. (I have previously given him hell for his lack of internet prowess for not being able to hunt it out.) Frankly, it has been weighing on me that he might find this. My bloggery is where I vent my insecurities, my dark little inklings, and to a lesser degree all the terrible things I have done. History has not been my friend in terms of boyfriends finding this place on account of my crypticism and frankness (rarely simultaneous) being misunderstood or completely unknown prior to reading. There are things here I'm not ready to tell him about and things that I'd prefer never to have to mention.

So we talked. I admitted that I have all sorts of insecurities I've been battling in this relationship so far. I admitted that I didn't want him to read this thing because I was afraid if he knew some of the things I've done/been that he wouldn't want to be with me anymore. And it turns out my fears were unfounded. Although I have been held to the promise that I'll stop worrying so much, things are going just as well as I had hoped and even better than I thought on his end.

This isn't what I expected when I finally made a move, though apparently he planned on saying yes from the start. And I haven't said the words just yet, but we both know what it is. Thank goodness Blacksburg is only a 5-ish our drive... ><

4th of July was swell. Nananana and I spent the entire day buzzed on cheap beer and jello shots, we all ate way too much, and played games like an elementary school field day. Ended the evening with Morning Glories, Jenise's tiny fireworks, and a campfire.

One of my experiments didn't work like it was supposed to, and I suspect the one I'm finishing next week didn't either. C'est la vie I suppose. Hopefully I turn out to be wrong so that I have some neat data to publish.

Start TA-ing next week for Wildlife Management. Weird. Kinda nervous about that...

We are stars in a septic sea

I hate how emotional I get the week before my period. Seriously. It isn't just being overly sensitive that I hate, it's how often I lose my shit over the most trivial things. Yesterday I nearly burst into tears over having to sort bull and green frog tadpoles, which I would like to note is a tremendous pain in the ass, but not worth crying over. I got super stressed out and nearly had a panic attack...twice. Then last night I got campfire inquisition-ed about my relationship with Panda. This is now apparently a favorite pastime of the lab, to get creepy in hoodies and call each other "(insert stupid nickname here) Brother" while giving someone the 3rd degree about an in-lab relationship. I was not happy. I ended up crying (which any other day probably would not have happened) and left. I hate being put on the spot, and just because it's an in-lab relationship doesn't make it lab business...even if everyone knows. Whatever. It's done and everyone is pretending like it didn't happen, thank goodness.

Maya and I made an epic dinner tonight. Brown sugar pork chops, salad with artichoke hearts and feta, garlic broiled asparagus, and the dishes were rounded out with a Moscato white wine. So delicious.

Mom now has a one-eyed kitten at home. Her name is One-Eyed Pete and she's inside making friends with my autoimmune compromised Neko.

Crooked little grin

Some non-trivial things have happened in the last few days, so here's the short of it...

Disco, Scootles, and I went to D.C. to lobby for Invisible Children, and our bill has already picked up about 80 cosigners in congress. Great progress so far.

Started a new experiment. It should go pretty well, I hope. Who knows thought...I'm constantly paranoid that it's not going to work and I'll have wasted 3 weeks to a month every time I start something. I'm supposed to take down the other two I have running at the end of the week...not sure how the second is going to go...

Saw my kitties, who I am pleased to report did NOT hate me this time around. :D

I may have...underestimated(?) this, and August might not mean the end. He invited me out to meet his parents today. Despite my best efforts, I ended up wrapped up in this boy of mine...fingers crossed.

Pulled me into your hurricane

My mood is in tune with the weather here. These high pressure systems make me cook from the inside out; tense and high-strung, waiting for...something. It's a bit unusual, even considering my many oddities.

And I thought, be still my heart

It is a time of rebellion. Some is fresh uprising and some are long-waged battles ready to be won.

It keeps my eye on Iran, on the Green Revolution, on the people literally crying out all night for their freedom. People taking to the streets with the threat of further violence against them, not for a radical change, rather a leader who they called for a vote at a time.

It's why this makes me angry. Listen psycho, I've had more than enough of you and this 5 year pulling of strings. I stopped reading your blog in December. I blocked your screen names. I had the cell phone company block your phone number. What earth shaking event is it going to take for you to get that I want you to leave me the fuck alone? For good. Not until you're drunk and lonely or feeling manipulative or antagonistic; until you or I are 6 feet under or scattered to the breeze. Forever.

It is why I bit the bullet and sucked up my insecurities and fears about dating...anyone, but particularly a boy who doesn't seem to know what he deserves, who I am growing more convinced that I myself do not deserve.

And now it is why my coupled hea(d/rt) are already--a bit early, I admit--digging heels in against August. Because August is the intended expiration of chivalry and warm beds and stolen kisses. The end of meandering get-to-know you's and love-it-or-hate-it and learning all the pieces that are the same and all those that are fantastically divergent. I've known that this was more or less the "plan" all along, but I find a silent rebellion growing, one I intend to quell as best I can.

In news unrelated to my personal revolution, I have another experiment starting next week, followed by the current two ending the following week. We had a lab Thanksgiving in June for Brianna's birthday last week which involved delicious, gut-bursting amounts of food and the wiping of the beach volleyball court with the undergrad Ornithology class.

Kristi comes into Pittsburgh on Sunday. Monday and Tuesday we're meeting up with Scootles for Lobby Days in D.C. on behalf of Invisible Children. Then Wednesday we're hanging out at PLE, and once more back to Pittsburgh to get her on a plane home. This trip is too short, but it should be a fantastic experience.

And now I have a date with another glass of blackberry wine and a much needed shower.

Now I'm banging on the door of an angel

I went sunbathing and reading at Tuttle Pointe today:

It was lovely and I finished 100 or so pages of my book.

And a random photo from last night:

We made a run to Lakeside general store for Sprite to make mojitos...a task which apparently required Jenise, Brianna, Andy, and I to pile into Andy's jeep. It was epic and ridiculous. Drinking games insued. Games including Rick's wife Christine who had more to drink than I did. :) Good time had by all I do believe.

Andy and Ab must be sick of me inhabiting their room. I stayed 3 times this week, including last night when Panda wasn't home but offered me his bed before he left since he knew I'd be drinking heavily. Note to self (again), you aren't allowed to fall for this one. :o

From 98 to 1,000

Somewhere between dreams and a half consciousness lulled by Panda's breathing I did some thinking. A little bit about paranoia and a little about what I really want in life, the two of which are more connected than I would have once thought.

But more importantly, I thought about how nice it was to sleep in warm arms instead of alone. It certainly has been a while.

I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback

Panda took me out for some adventure this afternoon. We went out for a walk at the wildlife center and ran into Christine and the kids going to do the same. So our nice wander past the lake turned out different than I anticipated, but in a very good way. Isabelle and Wyatt are so adorable... Afterward we drove out to Jamestown to the "Deer Park," which is a completely lame name for the place. This place feels like Zoo Tycoon in real life, with a petting zoo and a bizarre assortment of animals you can feed (except the carnivores...no feeding those). It was fun, but I was torn between my nerdy excitement and feeling bad for the animals who just really wanted out. All in all it was a fantastic day. :]

A few of the pictures that turned out:

And a video of these awesome monkeys...or apes maybe. I can't remember which.

There is a part in everyday

It is awkward to be caught by your adviser whilst sneaking back home at 7 am to shower before work. Especially when said adviser just left the same place you came from and may or may not have seen your car. Hahaaaa... >< Totally worth it.

Arizona was great, mostly. (Those pictures which were to come were not really taken.) Work has been busy. I have been lacking in sleep. I have a new Blackberry (don't know if I mentioned that...don't care to check).

Not much else to report.

Go, if you want to go

I've been back in Arizona since Thursday, and other than the heat it has been fantastic! Caught up with the old crowd and hung out with my little high school graduate. Got a Blackberry phone. (Also discovered that Verizon can block phone numbers so I will not have to have mine changed. Sweetjazz.) Tonight Disco, Nanners, and I are getting heart daiths pierced, and then we're off to a Tapas bar and drinking downtown for Nanners' birthday. Pictures will follow. In the meantime, here are a few from Memorial Day:

Emily (our adopted labmate from Clarion University) and me.

Panda bear.

Did I mention that I love margaritas?

Aaron and Wyatt.

Aaron, Em, Jenise, and I enjoyed our margaritas. Also I apparently look like my aunt in this picture.

Dominoes, as per usual.

Isabelle making a watermelon mess.

Shenanigans involving three hyper girls and a singing frog.

Rootbeer floats with our little Chexican.

More hyper shenanigans.

I know it cause you wrote it down a hundred times

The two tiger salamanders I snagged from my culture pools as pets have transparent heads (you can see their brains). The zooplankton I fed them this time comes from a low-oxygen pond so they are red from facultative hemoglobin. Red food + transparent head + suction feeding salamanders = I can see food swimming around in their skulls trying to escape.

So. Awesome.

What I fear and what I've tried, words I say and what I hide.

So here are two random facts that have formed some semi-coherent wanderings while I dose animals all morning: I'm reading this book, The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield, and I've been thinking about emotional defenses. (Note: Dosing animals is a 2-2 1/2 hour daily pain in the ass that involves 60 mL color-coded catheter syringes, filtered water, water with predators living/eating in it, and approximately 275 larval salamanders. End note.) This is going to be a convoluted introduction. Jessica ranted and raved about how insightful the book was within a few days of our conversation on coincidences and empathetic insights. She highly recommended I pick it up since it was exactly in line with some of our pondering within the first 10 pages...so I did. As it turns out, I don't particularly like the book (and neither does she the further she gets) but I am not so put off that I'll put it down before it's finished. It reminds me of the way Dan Brown's books were explained by a New York times Op-Ed I just read yesterday: (oversimplified) it's an interesting story to help the theology go down. Except unlike Dan Brown (who I personally do not enjoy but I know a large portion of the population does) Redfield is not very successful. Celestine is an uncomfortable read, almost as if it's a bad book adaptation of a movie based on a book. Additionally, it's from the metaphysical section of the bookstore, which leads me to wonder constantly throughout the read if it's more allegorical to a general spiritual view of the world or just a poorly crafted "adventure" to sell a world view.

Regardless, I just reached a section of the "adventure" in which the protagonist comes to learn about "control dramas" and how one overcomes them. (Note 2: I continue to quote adventure because "An Adventure" is the book's subtitle.) It's an interesting concept, the idea of how we control situations on a continuum to bend things to our favor, and what happens when we become aware of our manipulation and transcend it. All this coincided nicely with some empathetic stress of mine wherein my mind overworked itself about emotional defenses and I figured on getting over them. I got to thinking about openness, about the give and take required for intimacy, and what a terrifying prospect all of that is. Part of this was also wrapped around some overreacting of mine (big surprise) about being on the receiving end of distance. Only two people have ever gotten close to me in a way that went beyond friendship, and I have pretty substantial defenses built up as a result of the aftermath of both. This boy I'm seeing has defenses that rival mine! It frustrates me because I would like very much like to find out who he actually is, and because they're defenses I've dealt with before, that I recognize and know I can put up with. In this recognition it occurred to me that in this instance I'm not going to get anywhere further than arms length if I don't let go of some of mine.

I finally figured out the question defense yesterday, after all these years. We were driving home from the movies the other night, in relative quiet, and Panda made a comment about my lack of questions. And then continued to press me to ask questions. It was like deja vu... When we first sat down on the beach and decided to give this a go I told him upfront that I was absolutely atrocious at asking questions about people, and yet it came up anyway. Pressing the question angle does this great thing where the person doing all the asking feels like they're getting ever closer to the person answering because they learn so much. However, when the person answering questions doesn't ask any themselves then the closeness is all an illusion. The less you know, the less at risk you are, and the further away the other person actually is. It's a fascinating tactic, whether it's done unconsciously or not, and I hate it. The other one that drives me insane is the meaningful looks and no comment or "nothing" responses. It's so clear that something is bubbling below the surface, and maybe it's just an indecent remark, but some almost-comment is lingering without the faith to be let out. I'm over my internal drama, but they still stand to frustrate. With any luck, things will improve in the coming weeks.

Seeing the kitties again on Wednesday of next week, then home to AZ for a long weekend on Thursday. Abby is graduating, Nanners is turning the (not so) big 2-3, and Disco and I are getting our long overdue heart daiths. I'm looking forward to finally getting a cell phone that doesn't die with every 2 minute conversation (no exaggeration), evening out this tan, and seeing family/friends...not so much looking forward to triple digit temperatures when we just broke 80 up here today for the first time.

I made delicious broiled portabello mushrooms for dinner tonight. I must say, the lack of fast food within a 15 minute drive, tiny inconvenient grocers, and a lab full of pseudo-chefs is really improving my cooking-fu. Granted, I'm still working simple, but my experiments are turning out better and better! I can actually cook veggies and side dishes and I'm slowly figuring out this whole "spice" thing. And I eat so much healthier here because the produce is abundant, delicious, and local. Plus Ginny runs a fantastic little bulk food store that sells treats that keep my sweet tooth at bay without actually overdoing the sugar.

Life is good here.

No one should be lonely in this big old world

I finally caught a fish (my first ever)! Only one, but that beautiful 16" puts me in second place in the lab catfish competition for size, 2" behind panda bear's enormous channel catfish from the other night. As soon as Rick emails me the iPhone picture I'm posting it! :D Now that I've entered the competition though, I'm quite sure I'm going to end up owing donuts at the start of the semester when I lose. Haha.

Got into trouble on the back (the front?) of the boat when heads were turned. Delicious, Twizzler flavored trouble. We're going to get caught, and when we do we're never going to hear the end of it... :3

I am, I'm ready to be new again

Drove to Cleveland tonight for a sold out concert at House of Blues. If it's possible, I think Envy on the Coast is actually better than the last time I saw them. I mean, phenomenal. Anberlin is just as fantastic as always, though they seem to have picked up a following of meaty bros on this coast. Honestly, I suppose that's marginally better than screaming teeny fangirls. The new Taking Back Sunday music sounds great. Even without Fred the band is just as coherent and crazy as ever, and this new kid (Matt I think) fills the role without skipping a beat. Also, in the middle of the breakdown in "Cute Without the E," Adam busts out some Bon Iver "Skinny Love" lyrics...I freaked out! :D

We're laying low as long as we can get away with it, but hands on hips would be a solid confirmation to even the most oblivious. (Good thing John probably already knows.) I love this part.

Oh hey Mesa, AZ...I see you peeking in on some nostalgia. Try the phone next time.

Take my hand and watch the world go by.

It might just be the case that a certain someone and I decided to take a chance on the whole dating a labmate thing. It also might be the case that I'm quite happy about it, expiration date or not.

Oh sweet thing

This evening brought with it a "quiet victory." I learned more in a few hours than I've discovered in almost a year. We'll see if it lasts through tomorrow, and I hope it does. :p

There are things in this world that I don't understand

It has been a rather hellish week from Monday onward. So much so, in fact, that I ended up in tears to Jess in the office last night. Poor Panda thought he made me cry because he was teasing me about my data right before he left the room and I unloaded on Bubba.

Devin and I had a meltdown on Monday night (big surprise...) when he asked me to give him an honest assessment of his personality. We shouldn't even be talking, as it's all sorts of not in my best interest, but what else can I do when I wake up in the middle of the night preemptive to his panic by mere seconds? It's an awful place to be. Back on topic...it was just a hateful conversation. :| I dredged up all the bitterness and rage I've been building up and burying for 5 years and I let it loose. Granted, being me, it went down very quickly before I ran out of steam, but it's such a drain on my system to have that much negativity brewing. And it's just been eating at me since then. Not that I would change any part of how it went down mind you, just that it's an unfortunate situation in general. Nothing has been the same since the fiasco in August...

The last few days have me thinking I need to get in touch with my dad. He keeps coming up in conversation and has been on my mind, which usually means I shouldn't ignore the nudges. I just...really don't want to. I'm not sure I'm prepared to open that can of worms up again in my life.

I worked 12 hours on Tuesday on a bowl of cereal and a granola bar. And we've all been working our tails off since Friday helping Jenise pull together her experiment to its end before her summer class starts tomorrow. Today it took me 5 1/2 hours to do a water change on my salamanders, which is just outrageous. It's been physically taxing on top of my emotional drain.

Also, my complexion is a mess that I just can't get clear in spite of every effort.

On the plus side, we played soccer today, which was so much fun, but what a mess! I had an asthma attack, Kate was relegated to the "goalie" position by her team because she can't play soccer any better than I can, and Panda hurt his ankle. It was fantastic, and I can't wait to try again. My lungs and health will probably be better for it, and I'm such a hell-bent perfectionist that now I'm going to have to keep it up until I improve even if my lungs don't.

Panda let on that he knows but went to bed before I could admit to it. Apparently I have a nice smile. :3 Ces't la vie. I'll be charmingly awkward tomorrow I suppose. Haha...

In a completely unrelated note, I have officially thrown in the towel on hating country music. Turns out that I still really enjoy some of it in spite of all my protests.

With reckless abandonment

Some of my recent life in photographic form:

288 darling little gluttons to feed (and scare) on a daily basis.

You can see its little arms, and this species has little back legs now too. :3

I love chemical safety garb.

Weekend bonfires before fishing trips.

A bitty groundhog out by the back patio.

Some barbecue antics. Jess "Chex Mex/Chexican/Bubba" Hua and me. (I don't remember the last time I wasn't making a stupid face in a picture.)

Panda. :3

Grillmaster Cothran.

Ab and the lovely Kate, two of our fantastic undergrads.

Hurrrr. Rick minding his sippy cup and Rickey minding the grill. :D

Jenise on her way to a nap, Will and Kelly being adorable, and Isabelle being Isabelle.

Chexica and John.

Christine (aka: best lab mom ever) and Maya.

With 4 guitars and a banjo in the house, this happens pretty often.

Never wanted to dance with nobody

It's a crush, officially. Not another temporary insanity fueled by lonely dreams and a ridiculous sex drive, but a legitimate curiosity. And after resorting to some less than subtle moves, it seems that he's caught on finally. I swore Jenise and Kate to secrecy. John figured it out because I have no control over my blushing. Briana figured it out after her first night at the domino table. And I'm pretty sure Rick's comment tonight about knowing what goes on in the lab was pointed...which means that if the rest of them are remotely perceptive, the entire lab probably knows even if they aren't saying. (Apparently I wear my heart on my sleeve even when I'm trying to be sneaky.)

Oh the summer is looking more and more interesting by the day.

In the name of love

After 6 1/2 days Oprah rescued Chicago live on her show this morning. I registered for Lobby Days this morning. Disco, Scootles, and I will be headed to the nation's capitol in June for two days of lobbying on behalf of the Acholi people. Look out DC, here we come!

If I am not free, You are not free, If one man in the world is enslaved, The World is not free.

Now I'm wondering is it me or

Empathy explains everything.
Literally every detail.

The pins and needles sing

I had intended to elaborate tonight on my previous post, particularly because some presumptions were made based on its timing and sparse content. However, I have decided that I don't actually feel like it at the moment, maybe ever. It was one of those moments you just have to get everything out, without necessarily sharing details, as quickly as possible. After a two hour drive today I had it pretty well worked out in my head.

There are still words to be exchanged. Things of honesty, lacking in faith, and delivered without delicacy. Something about the odd dichotomy of British television and destruction. I don't know when--it's about to get insanely busy in my world--but soon enough I imagine.

I spent the day on The Rescue live feed for Invisible Children's Rescue event. After most of the cities were rescued yesterday, those who could caravan-ed it to the next closest unrescued city. Kristi kept me posted on the situation in Albuquerque and I kept up on everything else via the Rescue main page. We have 10 cities left to rescue here in the states, and half of them are quickly losing hope. These kids have been out for more than 24 hours now, some in horrible weather, waiting on their moguls and media. Some are lucky and have confirmed rescues arranged in the morning. Some, like the New Mexico crew, are less fortunate. Fox News shows what an amazing corporation they are by refusing to cover the story, as far as I know in any city. I think someone was actually told in Chicago (where between 400 and 2000 people have been gathered at any given point in the last day and a half) that the network was not interested. It's an event in 100 cities worldwide, and there are at least 400 people in the freezing rain for over a day in your own city, and you aren't interested? The apathy astounds me, though I don't find it particularly surprising I guess.

I've given my spiel before about how important I think this is, so I won't get into it again. I've heard all the blah blah about idealism and not getting one's hopes up, and how we need to deal with the problems in our own country and let Africa deal with Africa's problems. The lip service is all well and good, but we live in a global community in this day and age. It isn't enough just to worry about ourselves anymore.

I bought a ticket to the Taking Back Sunday/Anberlin/Envy on the Coast show at House of Blues in Cleveland on May 14. What a stellar combination of artists for a live show. Really, just a fantastic collection of performers. Buy a ticket. Meet me in Linesville. I'll drive to Cleveland and you can crash with me here for the night after the show before driving home. It will be an amazing adventure.

Stay with me, go places

I've fallen back into the patterns of lying to myself. Where did my self worth go? My confidence? I feel, uprooted. I buried this. I don't want it back.

I didn't realize what a blow I'd taken.

The scent you left in my bed is helping me forget

This stone is a stone, it is also an animal, it is also God, it is also the Buddha, I love and honor it not because it could become this or that someday, but because it is everything long since and always--and it is precisely because of this, because it is a stone, because it appears to me now and today as a stone, it is precisely because of this that I love it and see worth and meaning in each of its veins and pits, in the yellow, in the grey, in the hardness, in the sound it emits when I tap it, in the dryness or dampness of its surface.

Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse

She says "I'm jealous of Los Angeles"

I'm calling this a covet post. So here are some things I don't need but I really, really want:

(especially this one)

Yes, they are all BCBG. No, I can't afford any of them. And no, I really have nowhere to wear at least 2 of those dresses. But oh man...if I had $500 laying around, that first black and white dress would be in my closet TOMORROW. I am strongly considering it wtith the $100 off promo that's running + the $2500 available credit on my Amex card...